Craigslist Crazies

We've all browsed Craigslist like crazy freakwads hoping against hope to find a steal of a deal on a Pottery Barn dining table . . . There's only one teensy problem with that: the people of Craigslist do not own Pottery Barn. It's more like a hodgepodge of animal figurines, velvet, dingy couches, loud colors, and jankity old dressers.

Since we have a couple empty rooms in our house and not a bank account with a golden duck (that'd be quack-tastic), I've been looking for pieces on Craigslist that I can redo. Key word: redo. Key word: mistake.

There are a few problems with that. For the most part, people on Craigslist are certifiably insane. (And I'm not even referring to the personal section where gals want to hurl their lady parts at some sleezy gentleman in the bathroom at the library. Grizz.) Their ads are hilarious, sad, and sometimes terrifying. I mean, HOW did you come into owning that horrific couch with Jesus's face etched in the cushions?

1. Overpriced: "We've only owned this piece for five years. Several scratches on the bottom, but still in excellent condition. Yours for only $8,000!"

Really? I can buy that for one zillion times cheaper, and it won't have your "broken in" man stench all over it. Get your buns off your greedy, porcelain pot. Be realistic.

2. Life stories: "We've only owned this piece for five years. Sweet Granny gave it to me on her death bed. She told me with her finally words to "take care of her china hutch." And we did. But with Jimmy in school now, and Suzie getting married--we need the extra cash. I know, I know. I can't help it though. I feel so torn, because I don't want Granny to be disappointed. But we've stored her ashes in the cabinets, so that wherever this hutch goes--she will too."

Just, no. 

3. Misspellings: "Wev oned this for 5 yrs. Scrats on bottom, but gud condishen. Yours for 5000"

Holy buckets. This wasn't an exaggeration. Gud greef. Maybe this gets my junipers in a jumble because of what I do for a living, but good gravy. If I can't read your ad, the chances that I'm going to buy your strange giraffe table have decreased even more.

4. Antique/Vintage: "We've owned this antique piece for five years. Because it is so vintage, there are a few scratches on the bottom. But this antique is in excellent condition. Yours for only $8,000!"

This is my favorite. Slapping the word "antique" or "vintage" on something that's been collecting dust in your garage for the last decade doesn't make it true. It makes your grandmother's plaid sofa sound a little more appealing, but let's be real--ain't nobody got time for that.

To sum it up, be careful when dealing with Craigslist crazies. And if you do find something (miracle of miracle), you best take your strongest friend to guard your unsuspecting buns.